sábado, 28 de abril de 2007

Como la Garbo

Exactamente como ella. Retirada, o quizá debería decir escondida... A lo mejor es por la primavera, siempre odiosa, con esa facilidad para alterarlo todo. O simplemente una fase más, una cualquiera. Es un anhelo que no puedo disimular y que, más que con la soledad, creo que tiene que ver con el silencio. No me apetece hablar. Ni escuchar. Y más que un deseo, está adquiriendo tintes de obsesión. Quizá porque lo he soñado durante muchos años, casi trece ya, pero nunca lo he conseguido. Siempre he tenido a alguien a mi lado. Los lazos del clan se resisten a soltarme, incluso los de aquellos que siempre predicaron la más absoluta y robinsoniana independencia. Creo que se me hacen viejos. Envejecen antes de tiempo y, justo ahora, precisamente en este momento, se aferran a mí, que tengo tantas ganas de volar. Y, debo confesarlo, me resultan un lastre muy pesado. No puedo evitarlo.
Lo que quiero es levantarme cada mañana y que no haya nadie. Entrar y salir sin que haya nadie. Llegar a casa por la noche y no encontrar a nadie. Quiero silencio. La televisión no existe para mí desde hace seis meses. No escucho música. El único sonido que me apetece es el rumor al pasar las páginas, el agua de la ducha, las voces susurrantes de la radio que me ayudan a dormir, el ritmo del teclado. Apenas resisto ver una película, yo, que normalmente las devoro. Esta es la fase que toca ahora. Fase de autismo. Me molesta el ruido, me molesta la gente. Me molesta todo lo que está más allá de mi guarida, más allá de YO misma. Nunca deja de soprenderme lo rara que soy.
Pero esto pasará. Y le seguirá una fase pletórica de verborrea incontrolada y ganas de reír. Porque siempre he sufrido una curiosa tendencia a los extremos.
No lo toméis a mal, ni os preocupéis. No me pasa nada. Estoy encantada y feliz en mi silencio. Tanto que, ni siquiera me molesta romperlo de vez en cuando. Es sólo que, de repente, me pasa como a la Garbo. Quiero estar sola.

41 comentarios:

Anónimo dijo...

Tú mandas, Greta.
Ro

Lenka dijo...

;-)

berraco dijo...

Todos necesitamos a veces estar a solas con nosotros mismos. Tus colegas esperamos lo que haga falta y estaremos cuando cambies de fase ;-) Un abrazote y besos!

Cristina dijo...

Esperaremos lo que haga falta Len. Todos en algún momento necesitamos estar a solas.
Muchos besos.

Elisheva dijo...

Ya sabes donde está mi rincón del te. La chimenea siempre está encendida, esperando que sea el momento de volver.
Tómate tu tiempo, cielo. Tenemos todo el del mundo.

Lenka dijo...

Queridos, no penséis que os vais a librar de mi!! El foro, el messenger, siguen siendo refugios que no molestan al solitario (al menos no a mí) Uno puede entrar y salir cuando lo desee, y sus protocolos no son tan exigentes como los que hay a este lado de la pantalla.

;-)

Cris, gracias, como siempre! Berraco, encantada de tu visita!!!

Lenka dijo...

Eli, gracias por el ofrecimiento. Pasaré de vez en cuando a tomar el té, y no dudes que seguirá habiendo charlas y aquelarres. La distancia hace que la compañía sea mucho más liviana y agradable cuando una está en fases raras...

Besotes!!!

Anónimo dijo...

Te comprendo perfectamente, buhíta. Y ya sabes que, pasado un tiempo querrás todo lo contrario. El silencio es necesario hasta que se vuelve atronador.¡Dichosa tú, que puedes decidir cuándo tenerlo y cuándo no!. Lo difícil es sobrellevar estos cambios y seguir el curso de la vida cuando en ésta, hay más personas. Mientras llega el cambio, te esperaré.

Lenka dijo...

No creas que es tan fácil decidir sobre mis silencios. También hay personas en mi vida. Muchas personas. Interrumpen mi silencio y me obligan a postergarlo, a seguir deseándolo por la imposibilidad de tenerlo. No los amigos, claro, con ellos siempre se puede contar, para tenerlos y para no tenerlos. Pero la familia... aaahhh, la familia...a esa no hay forma de darle esquinazo.

No tendrás que esperar nada por aquí. Escribir es una forma de silencio a la que nunca renuncio.

;-)

Guaja dijo...

No abes como te entiendo Le, a pesar de que yo tengo ese que tu ansias.
Pero ya sabes que nosotros, tranquilos y en silencio, estaremos aqui el dia que necesites gritar.

Lal dijo...

Yo te iba a decir que te vinieras conmigo al campo, pero claro, estaría yo...
Cuesta encontrarlo, pero a veces un ratito de silencio, de silencio de verdad, basta para limpiarnos.
Un beso silencioso.

Lenka dijo...

Gracias, Guaja y Lal!

Tampoco es tan difícil encontrar silencio si sabes dónde buscarlo. De hecho, si lograra echar de mi vida a un señor con barba, tendría todo el silencio del mundo!!!

;-)

Elisheva dijo...

Cielo, te entiendo, pero piensa que también llegará el momento en que eches de menos al señor de las barbas.
Hasta rodeado de la multitud más escandalosa se puede vivir solo si te lo propones.
De todas formas, aquí estamos por si necesitas desahogo.

Lenka dijo...

El problema es que necesito esa soledad y ese silencio. Y no andar preocupándome de si el señor con barba ha dejado dos días la ropa en la lavadora, o si ha terminado la leche y ha olvidado comprar más, o si aparecerá con amigos a las dos de la mañana. Soy la madre de mi propio padre!!! Supongo que todo esto se me hace raro porque, por su trabajo, realmente nunca supe lo que era vivir con él. Preferiría que viniera de visita.
;-)

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